|HOW2B... LORD FANNY||
A lifestyle guide, by Andrew Wheeler.
With THE INVISIBLES, Grant Morrison created one of the strangest and most unique titles ever to be produced by a mainstream comics publisher. It is essentially a team book, with its full share of super hero staples such as magic, time travel, weird science and paranormal villains. What sets it apart is not just its complex and unflinching conspiracy-driven plots, but also its brilliantly different cast of characters. First among these must surely be the fabulous Lord Fanny, the Brazilian transvestite Shaman with balls and beauty in equal measure. Every month, PopImage will be telling you what hardware you need in order to become your favourite comic book characters. This month, as THE INVISIBLES busily ticks down to the millennium, we tell you how to be... Lord Fanny.
Lord Fanny is more than just a cock in a frock. His real potency comes not from the batting of his eyelids or the dip of his hips, but from his Shamanism. Given his Brazilian origins, any budding Fanny acolyte would be well advised to visit the school of Paz Geia, the first school of Neo-Shamanism in Brazil, and one which teaches Matriarchal Shamanism. They believe that, back in the time of primordial chaos, special men and women with the power to rise out of their bodies visited the world of the Archetypes of the Divine and were touched by the power of revelation. Since this time, the Shamans have been trying to wake humanity from its living sleep, and today, in a time of great darkness, their mission has more urgency.
This urgency was the catalyst for the creation of Matriarchal Shamanism, a philosophical return to the Golden Age of Eden, where the Great Goddess is venerated as the Black Madonna. The keywords of the school are liberty, beauty, love and sexual equality. The Holy Grail (feminine) and the sword (masculine) are joined together in a sacred marriage to reveal the true significance of humanity. As you can see, it's not a bad belief system for Fanny acolytes to adhere to. If you do choose to study at the school of Paz Geia, learning Portugese might also be an advantage.
Fanny has, in the past, described himself as a transexual. Wannabe Fannys among our male readership will be pleased to hear that he has never had the snip, nor does he show much inclination towards doing so. In fact, Fanny is a transvestite, a man who identifies himself as male, but dresses as a female. No surgery is necessary; just a few restraining garments and a pair of silicone breastforms.
A CV06L heavy duty satin and nylon waist trimming corset will set you back a measly $156. Designed for the longer male torso, it will give you the svelte, hourglass figure you always dreamed of. But don't forget your $30 gaff! When used properly, a custom made gaff (made from soft, strong material) will smooth out your gential area and make your penis disappear! For another $30, a specially manufactured strapless bra will give you the freedom to wear sexy strapless dresses, though you'll also need a pair of teardrop silicone breastforms. From around $200 a pair, the ones we recommend are soft, supple, and have a large realistic nipple.
If you want to look truly fabulous, buy a slinky, figure-hugging summer tank dress (only $57!), complete with side-lacing, which you can open up for a more revealing look. It's available in both black and white. A 1950s style platinum blonde wig is a must for any seriously fabulous transvestite, and it's a bargain at $66. Complete the look with a pair of stilleto back-seam stockings (just $12), and a pair of four-inch heels, which come in both leather and satin varieties.
If you have problem facial hair, you can either look into electrolysis or laser therapy, or invest in an excellent razor like the Sensor Excel. Just don't forget the shaving gel and the moisturising balm. A good dermablend or foundation will also go along way to covering beard shadow. Most regular cosmetics are too thin and weak for a man, so use a good thick slap like L'Oreal or Max Factor for best results. Applied correctly, you could soon become the belle of any ball!
So, you've got the magic, and you've got the look. Now all you need to be a true Lord Fanny is a cortege of beautiful co-conspirators and a few dark horrors to uncover (and we're not talking about the one under the gaff). Try Conspiracy Net and Models.Com for a little of each. Some sweaty sex and secretiveness, and darling, you'll be well on your way.